Separation Safety Plan

The following steps represent my plan for increasing my safety and preparing in advance for the possibility for further violence. Although I do not have control over my partner's violence, I do have a choice about how to respond to him/her and how to best get myself and my children to safety.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Step 1: Safety during a violent incident. Victims cannot always avoid violent incidents. In order to increase safety, battered victims may use a variety of strategies.

I can use some or all of the following strategies:

If I decide to leave, I will ___________________. (Practice how to get out safely. What doors, windows, elevators, stairwells or fire escapes would you use?)

I can keep my money and car keys ready and put them (place) _________________ in order to leave quickly.

I can tell _____________________about the violence and request they call the police if they hear suspicious noises coming from my house.

I can teach my children how to use the telephone to contact the police and the fire department.

I will use _______________________ as my code for my children or my friends so they can call for help.

If I have to leave my home, I will go _____________________ (Decide this even if you don't think there will be a next time).

If I cannot go to the location above, then I can go to___________________________or ______________________________.

I can also teach some of these strategies to some/all my children.

When I expect we are going to have an argument, I will try to move to a space that is lowest risk, such as ____________ ____________________. (Try to avoid arguments in the bathroom, garage, kitchen, near weapons or in rooms without access to an outside door).

I will use my judgment and intuition. If the situation is very serious, I can give my partner what he/she wants to calm him/her down. I have to protect myself until I/we are out of danger.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Step 2: Safety when preparing to leave. Battered victims frequently leave the residence they share with the battering partner. Leaving must be done with a careful plan in order to increase safety. Batterers often strike back when they believe that a battered victim is leaving the relationship.

I can use some or all the following safety strategies:

I will leave money and an extra set of keys with _____________ so that I can leave quickly.

I will keep copies of important documents or keys at _______________________.

I will open a savings account by ______________, to increase my independence.

Other things I can do to increase my independence include:

The domestic violence program's hot line number is ____________ and I can seek shelter by calling this hot line.

I can keep change for phone calls on me at all times. I under stand that if I use my telephone credit card, the following month the telephone bill will tell my batterer those numbers that I called after I left. To keep my telephone communications confidential, I must either use coins or I might get a friend to permit me to use their telephone credit card for a limited time when I first leave.

I will check with ____________________ and _____________ to see who would be able to let me stay with them or lend me some money.

I can leave extra clothes with _________________________.

I will sit down and review my safety plan every ______________ in order to plan the safest way to leave the residence. _____________ (domestic violence advocate or friend) has agreed to help me review this plan.

I will rehearse my escape plan and, as appropriate, practice it with my children.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Step 3: Safety in my own residence. There are many things that a victim can do to increase her/his safety in their own residence. It may be impossible to do everything at once, but safety measures can be added step by step.

Safety measures I can use include:

I can change the locks on my doors and windows as soon as possible.

I can replace wooden doors with steel/metal doors.

I can install security systems including additional locks, window bars, poles to wedge against doors, an electronic system, etc.

I can purchase rope ladders to be used for escape from second floor windows.

I can install smoke detectors and purchase fire extinguishers for each floor in my house/apartment.

I can install an outside lighting system that lights up when a person is coming close to my house.

I will teach my children how to use the telephone to make a collect call to me and to _______________(friend/minister/ other) in the event that my partner takes the children.

I will tell people who take care of my children which people have permission to pick up my children and that my partner is not permitted to do so. The people I will inform about pick-up permission include:
__________________________________________(school),
________________________________________(day care staff),
________________________________________(babysitter),
___________________________________(Sunday school teacher),
________________________________________(teacher),
________________________________________(and),
________________________________________(others),

I can inform ______________________________(neighbors), _______________________________________(pastor), and, _______________________________________(friend) that my partner no longer resides with me and they should call the police if he is observed near my residence.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Step 4: Safety with an Order of Protection. Many battered victims obey protection orders, but one can never be sure which violent partner will obey and which will violate protection orders. I recognize that I may need to ask the police and the court to enforce my protection order.

The following are some steps that I can take to help the enforcement of my protection order:

I will keep my protection order _________________(location) (Always keep it on or near your person).

I will give my protection order to police departments in the communities where I usually visit family or friends, and in the community where I live.

There should be a county registry of protection orders that all police departments can call to confirm a protection order. I can check to make sure that my order is in registry. The telephone number for the county registry of protection order is _________________________________.

For further safety, if I often visit other counties , I might file my protection order with the court in those counties. I will register my protection order in the following counties: ___________________ and _________________ that I have a protection order in effect.

I can call the local domestic violence program if I am not sure about B, C, or D above or if I have some problem with my protection order.

I will inform my employer, my minister, my closest friend and _____________ and ____________that I have a protection order in effect.

If my partner destroys my protection order, I can get another copy from _________________.

If my partner violates the protection order, I can call the police and report a violation, contact my attorney, call my advocate, and/or advise the court of the violation.

If the police do no help, I can contact my advocate or attorney and will file a complaint with the chief of the police department.

I can also file a private criminal compliant with the district justice in the jurisdiction where the violation occurred or with the district attorney. I can charge my battering partner with a violation of the Order of Protection and all the crimes that he/she commits in violating the order. I can call the domestic violence advocate to help me with this.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Step 5: Safety on the job and in public. Each battered victim must decide if and when he/she will tell others that their partner has battered them and that he/she may be at continued risk. Friends, family and co-workers can help to protect victims. Each victim should consider carefully which people to invite to help secure his/her safety.

I might do any or all of the following:

I can inform my boss, the security supervisor and ___________ at work of my situation.

I can ask ________________ to help screen my telephone calls at work.

When leaving work, I can _____________________________________ __________________________________________.

When driving home if problems occur, I can _______________________________ __________________________________.

If I use public transit, I can ________________________________________ _______________________________________.

I will go to different grocery stores and shopping malls to conduct my business and shop at hours that are different than those when residing with my battered partner.

I can use a different bank and take care of my banking at hours different from those
I used when residing with my battered partner.

I can also __________________________________________.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Step 6: Safety and drug or alcohol use. Most people in this culture use alcohol. Many use mood-altering drugs. Much of this use is legal and some is not. The legal outcomes of using illegal drugs can be very hard on a battered victim, may hurt his/her relationship with their children and put him/her at a disadvantage in other legal actions with the battering partner. Therefore, victims should carefully consider the potential cost of the use of illegal drugs. But beyond this, the use of any alcohol or other drug can reduce a victim's awareness and ability to act quickly to protect themselves from the battering partner. Furthermore, the use of alcohol or other drugs by the batterer may give him/her an excuse to use violence. Therefore, in the context of drug or alcohol use, a victim needs to make specific safety plans.

If drug or alcohol use has occurred in my relationship with the battering partner, I can enhance my safety by some or all of the following:

If I am going to use, I can do so in a safe place and with people who understand the risk of violence and are committed to my safety.
I can also ___________________________________________.

If my partner is using, I can _____________________________.

I might also _________________________________________.

To safeguard my children, I might ________________________ and ______________________________________________.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Step 7: Safety and my emotional health. The experience of being battered and verbally degraded by partners is usually exhausting and emotionally draining. The process of building a new life for myself takes much courage and incredible energy.

To conserve my emotional energy and resources and to avoid hard emotional times, I can do some of the following:

If I feel down and ready to return to a potentially abusive situation, I can _____________________________________________.

When I have to communicate with my partner in person or by telephone, I can ____________________________________.

I can try to use "I can . . . " statements with myself and to be assertive with others.

I can tell myself - "_____________________________________ ______________________________" whenever I feel others are trying to control or abuse me.

I can read ____________________________to help me feel stronger.

I can call ___________________, ___________________ and _________________as other resources to be of support of me.

Other things I can do to help me feel stronger are __________________________, and _______________________________.

I can attend workshops and support groups at the domestic violence program or _________________________, or _____ _______________to gain support and strengthen my relationship with other people.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Step 8: Items to take when leaving. When victims leave partners, it is important to take certain items with them. Beyond this, victims sometimes give an extra copy of papers and an extra set of clothing to a friend just in case they have to leave quickly.

Money : If I don't take any money from the accounts, he/she can legally take all money and/or close the account and I may not get my share until the court rules on it if ever.

These items might be placed in one location, so that if we have to leave in a hurry, I can grab them quickly.

When I leave, I should have:

Identification for myself

Children's birth certificate

My birth certificate

Social security cards

School and vaccination records

Money

Checkbook, ATM (Automatic Tellers Machine) card

Credit cards

Keys - house/car/office

Driver's license and registration

Medication

Welfare identification, work permits, Green card

Passport(s), Divorce papers

Medical records - for all family members

Lease/rental agreement, house deed, mortgage payment book

Bank books, Insurance papers

Small saleable objects

Address book

Pictures, jewelry

Children's favorite toys and/or blankets

Items of special sentimental value

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Telephone numbers I need to know:

Police department _________ 911

Battered victims program __________________________

County registry of protection orders ______________________

Work number________________________________________

Supervisor's home number_____________________________

Minister____________________________________________

Other______________________________________________

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I will keep this document in a safe place and out of the reach of my potential attacker.

based on this Safety Plan

ENDING COGNITIVE DISSONANCE

by  Smitten Kitten 

You're having a hard time going NC because you still believe on some level the notion that at some point in time, you actually meant as much to her as she meant to you. And her continued love-bombing reinforces this. Everything she has said to you she has also said to the other women in her life, and we here have all heard it too. "You're the best I've ever had." "We really had something special." "I still miss you, you were the most important part of my life for a long time." "I tell you everything (because we're such good friends)." Blah, blah, blah......

The more you read about psychopaths, you realize if their lips are moving, they're lying. And whatever they told you that made you feel so special, they said a hundred times or more to just as many other victims. They're just fishing lines they throw out to keep you on the hook. They cast out enough of them to see who will bite.

The first step in recovery is realizing that you were dealing with a psychopath, which you have done. The second step, and one of the hardest to deal with, is realizing that whatever you shared with them was all an illusion. The relationship and the love was based on lies. Not on your part but on theirs. The feelings YOU had were real, but the person you fell in love with was just a mirage, crafted to mirror and captivate you. It doesn't really exist. It was all fake. None of it was real.

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "But surely the time we shared....... (fill in the blank) was real. I FELT it. I never felt anything like that with anyone else!" "But I KNOW this one particular time it was so intimate and real, it HAD to mean something to her." "Maybe I AM the best she's ever had like she says, or I was THE ONE she loved above all others, but we just couldn't make it work because of..... certain incompatibilities, her commitment issues, her self-esteem issues, her trust issues....... (again, fill in the blank)." Worst of all is thinking it was because of something you did or failed to do.

This is perhaps the biggest key in letting go of the illusion and also any blame you may have internalized or feeling of responsibility towards them as someone who once loved you (and still pretends to). The reality is, they don't love anybody, not even their children. Don't take our word for it. Keep reading as much as you can and doing research until it really sinks in. The fact that you feel guilty at ALL for wanting to go NC to finally heal and protect yourself, and still feel some obligation to her, tells me you just need to understand more about how psychopaths operate. Because once you do and it REALLY sinks in, you will be so angry and not feel one ounce of guilt about her "feelings" (which she doesn't have) and what you "owe" her.

from this fantastic website - click here

Why Are Most Judgmental, Critical People So Critical and Judgmental?

Pull back the curtain on a critical, judgmental person and you’ll usually find this…

Everybody knows a few of them — arrogant people who think they’re always right about things and everyone else is wrong. To these people, nothing anyone else does is ever “right” or good enough.

But what’s usually behind the actions of the know-it-all, the finger-pointer, the high-horse rider, the snob, the harasser, the holier-than-thou, the name-caller, the assume-the-worst accuser,  the constant critic? Usually, the same thing…

Lack of empathy.

If you’re dealing with someone who just can’t see the possible value or meaning in your point of view, then you’re dealing with someone who cannot empathize well. People who cannot empathize cannot take on an alternate position and view things from another’s vantage point, and take on the perceptions and feelings that a person in that alternate position would have. If they could, they’d easily be able to see the reasons why their point of view is not the only valid one and stop claiming that everyone else is just “wrong”. People with low or no empathy also have a difficult time understanding or caring about the fact that insisting your thinking is wrong and valueless will hurt your feelings.

Many things affect a person’s ability to empathize or express empathy. Mental disorders and brain differences are the most likely culprit. Among the most vigorous criticizers and judgers are people with traits of the following personality disorders:

Narcissistic Personality Disorder – a mental disorder that is partially defined by a lack of empathy for others. Narcissists can be arrogant, insensitive, critical, self-centered and don’t like being questioned.

Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder – a mental disorder that makes its sufferers rigid, critical, fault-finding and demanding. Not surprisingly, the current considerations for the revised version of this disorder’s characteristics include difficulty empathizing.

Antisocial Personality Disorder (Psychopaths and Sociopaths) – another mental disorder partly characterized by insufficient empathy. Sociopaths (aka Psychopaths) can be cold, callous, sneaky, aggressive, conniving, and even dangerous.

SOURCE

Who Gets Targetted

by Kathy Krajco

Like all predators, narcissists target the vulnerable.

Many things can make a person vulnerable. Being smaller than the narcissist. Having less power in the company. Having dangerous enemies. Having a bad reputation. Being defenseless in any way. Being gentle. Being too moral to get as down-and-dirty as the narcissist does. Loving the narcisist makes you very vulnerable. Being the narcissist's benefactor also makes you vulnerable. (That's because we love those we sacrifice for, because to do otherwise would be to devalue ourselves. We also have good reason to expect goodwill from those who owe us gratitude, so we are trusting -- totally blind-sided by their malice.)

A narcissist targets the small, defenseless, or gentle because he can have the most powerful effect on them. It's more fun to bash something small to smithereens than it is to just dent something big. So your narcissist gets the strongest power rush from abusing the small, defenseless, and gentle.

Hence, for example, he feels best when viciously snarling at his tender four-year-old daughter, because that eviscerates her, whereas it would only wound his wife.

If you carry this anti-logic to its conclusion, he makes himself God almighty by stomping an ant. Right?

Wrong. A baby can stomp an ant. Even a puppy can stomp an ant. Demolishing an ant requires no great power. But destroying a city does. Yet every bully on the planet cheats by destroying something small and then thumping his chest as if that proves him mighty.

Sun Tzu, in his ancient treatise On the Art of War, notices the same thing about bullies:

To lift an autumn hair is no sign of great strength; to see the sun and moon is no sign of sharp sight;to hear the noise of thunder is no sign of a quick ear.

Yet every narcissistic bully makes the same egregious error of logic. That blasts to smithereens the myth that narcissists are exceptionally intelligent. To the contrary, only a moron makes such an egregious error in logic.

Yet, a minute later, while he's filling out his tax return, the moron is suddenly intelligent enough to do it right.

Therefore his moronhood of a moment ago was just willful stupidity, wasn't it? And who is stupider than somebody who thinks it smart to be stupid?

The Intelligence of Narcissists and Whom They Target

Beware Disordered Therapists, Gurus and Spiritual 'Teachers'

THERAPY AND COUNSELING CAN BE A VITAL TOOL FOR HEALING IN THE HANDS OF THE RIGHT PERSON. BUT THERE ARE MANY DISORDERED PERSONS OUT THERE WILLING TO SUCK MONEY AND TRUST FROM THE VULNERABLE & DESPERATE. ALWAYS CHECK LICENSES AND CREDENTIALS OUT WITH YOUR STATE.

by Linda Martinez-Lewi, PhD

There are a growing number of "spiritual teachers" who are narcissists. They are among the most magnetic and charismatic of individuals. We have a lot of desperate people today with the economic downturn roller coaster ride, the increasing numbers of narcissists in the society who are making life very difficult for everyone else and the persistence of chronic psychological problems.

Coming to the rescue are "narcissistic gurus" who have all the answers. Charismatic, charming, excellent communicators and story tellers, these individuals are offering courses that promise to reshape your life, to calm you down, even to make you rich. Many of them are covert narcissists who convincing pretend to be humble and unmaterialistic. Your state of mind and soul is their first priority---That's what they say.
Narcissistic gurus often come with fine academic credentials. Some are medical doctors or Ph.D.'s. Others call themselves holistic healers, medical intuitives. Their presentations are so smooth that most people are mesmerized by them. Often attractive physically with excellent communications skills, they can captivate any audience within a short period of time. I know of spiritual gurus who travel the world, peddling their packages or retreats which cost $1000 to $3000 for less than a week. The goal is enlightenment----the expensive way. What happens if you don't have any money--That's too bad -- you are out of the spiritual loop. Where do true spirituality and spending a lot of money and attending a five day seminar meet-----NOWHERE! (By the way learning how to meditate and reach levels of calmness and deeper consciousness doesn't cost money. It requires your time and dedication). 

I have watched some of these narcissists for years (Some of them are sociopaths with no conscience whatsoever) When you talk to them at close range, they are cold and dismissive if you are not "yes-ing" them with reverence or breaking a sweat to sign up for their next consciousness raising seminar in some exotic part of the world. Some vulnerable people become addicted to these new age phonies who take your money, speak new age drivel and eclipse your life.

Humble, living simply, empathic---absolutely not! I have seen their self entitled over the top lifestyles, born out of the money that they extract from psychologically vulnerable people. Then you have the spiritual groupies that have to take the latest pseudo spiritual trip to Bhutan or some other corner of the world so that they can brag to all of their friends.

Narcissistic spiritual gurus must be exposed. They are confidence men and women. They don't give a damn about your psychological or spiritual welfare. They live only for themselves, their godlike image and the fruits of their labors---becoming more wealthy and controlling the minds, emotions and psyches of others.

To protect yourself from these pseudo spiritual vipers, study the narcissistic personality disorder in-depth.

SOURCE

Good Mothers & Their Allies vs. the Family Court and the Abuser

This introduction is adapted from a section that Bancroft wrote for Disorder in the Courts: Mothers and Their Allies Take on the Family Court System, an e-book available from California NOW.

by Lundy Bancroft

There is no love deeper, more complete, and more vulnerable than the love that caring parents feel for their children. There is a bond so strong that it can be hard to tell exactly where the parent ends and the child begins, and the line is even harder to draw when our children are very young. Mothers have an additional bond from having carried their children inside of their bodies and having given birth to them, and more than half of mothers have experienced a deepened attachment through breast-feeding their babies. And mothers are, in the great majority of cases, their children’s primary caretakers, especially during their early years. All connections between caring, non-abusive parents and their children are so important as to be almost sacred, but there is usually a particular quality to the mother-child bond. That life-giving and sustaining connection deserves the full support and admiration of communities and nations.

And just as there is a special beauty and importance to relationships between mothers and their children, there is a special and extraordinary cruelty in the abusive man who attempts to break or weaken the mother-child bond, whether by turning children against their mother, by harming the children physically, sexually or psychologically, or by attempting to take custody of the children away from her.

Children need protection from their abusive parents. In the realm of custody litigation which involves abuse, the abusive parent tends to be the father while the protective parent is usually the mother, because most perpetrators of domestic violence and of child sexual abuse are male. We don’t know that much about what happens to protective fathers, since their cases are much less common, but we know that protective mothers frequently encounter a system that is insensitive, ignorant about the dynamics of abuse, and biased against women. In this context, mothers sometimes find themselves being forbidden by the court from protecting their children from a violent, cruel, or sexually abusive father. And this outcome is a tragic one, for children and for their mothers.

On behalf of the hundreds of people across the continent who are currently working for family court justice, I want to communicate to you our caring and solidarity with the challenging road you have ahead of you, as you fight to keep your children safe in body and soul. I want to let you know how critically important we believe that project to be, and how much your children need you to stand up for their rights and their well-being. You deserve admiration, not criticism, for the courageous risks you are taking on their behalf, and for your determination that all of you should have the opportunity to live in freedom and kindness.

Our society is currently giving mothers a powerful and crazy-making mixed message. First, it says to mothers, “If your children’s father is violent or abusive to you or to your children, you should leave him in order to keep your children from being exposed to his behavior.” But then, if the mother does leave, the society many times appears to do an abrupt about-face, and say, “Now that you are spilt up from your abusive partner, you must expose your children to him. Only now you must send them alone with him, without you even being around anymore to keep an eye on whether they are okay.”

What do we want? Do we want mothers to protect their children from abusers, or don’t we?

The sad result of this double-bind is that many mothers who take entirely appropriate steps to protect their children from exposure to abuse are being insulted by court personnel, harshly and unethically criticized and ridiculed in custody evaluations and psychological assessments, and required to send their children into unsupervised contact or even custody with their abusive fathers. And sometimes these rulings are coming in the face of overwhelming evidence that the children have both witnessed abuse and suffered it directly, evidence that would convince any reasonable and unbiased person that the children were in urgent need of protection. Family courts across the US and Canada appear to be guilty day in and day out of reckless endangerment of children.

Fortunately, there are also many women who do succeed in keeping their children safe post-separation. Some manage to persuade judges to grant the mother appropriate right to keep her children safe. Others lost in the early stages but do better later, as the abuser finally starts to show his true colors over time. Some women find that they succeed best by staying out of court, and using other methods to protect their children, such as waiting for the abuser to lose interest and drop out, or moving some distance away so that he will tire. Some women find that what works best is to focus on involving their children in supportive services, connecting them to healthy relatives, and teaching them to think critically and independently, so that they become strong children who see through the abuse and manipulation.

There is no formula that works for everyone. What strategies will work best for you depends on what your local court system is like, how much support you are receiving from friends and relatives, how much internal strength your children have, and how much (or how little) damage the abuser has already succeeded in doing to your relationships with your children. And each abuser is different. Some, for example, can be placated if they feel like they have won, and will gradually drift off, while others will never be satisfied with anything less than completely alienating children from their mother. Lawyers can advise you on court strategy, therapists can share their insight into children’s injuries and healing processes, but ultimately you have to rely most on your own judgment, because you are the only expert on the full complexities of you specific situation.

As you make your way ahead, I hope you will put a high priority on taking good care of yourself. Seek out kind, supportive people who are good listeners. Nurture your friendships and family relationships. Try to step through the stress long enough each day to spend some time showering your children with love if they are with you, and make sure to play with them, not just look after their needs. Notice what you have already done well, as a parent and as an advocate for your children. Give yourself credit for your own strength, and celebrate the fact that your mind is getting free of the abuse, even if your children are not free yet. Cry out your sorrows when you need to, sob into a pillow behind a closed door so you won’t upset your children, but do sob, because your heart needs the cleansing relief of those tears. And then build on your strengths and accomplishments to keep fighting.

I wish the “justice system” dispensed justice, but where it comes to child custody litigation involving abusive fathers, outcomes are mixed at best. With adequate knowledge and planning, and especially if you are among the fortunate mothers who are able to obtain competent legal representation from a lawyer who understands what abusers are like as parents, you may be able to keep your children on the path to healing. If your case goes poorly, there are still ways that you can help your children feel your love and support surrounding them, and give them the strength to survive their father’s destructiveness. But regardless of the outcome you experience personally, you might want to keep the following points in mind:

• The custody system in the US and Canada is broken. You are not the only person who has experienced unhealthy and biased responses, and you are not the crazy, paranoid, vindictive person they may be painting you as.
• Other women need your help to change that system, so that protective mothers start receiving proper respects for their rights and their children’s rights.

Depending on where your own case stands currently, you may have trouble imagining any involvements right now beyond your day-to-day survival, and your efforts to keep your children functioning. But involvement in social change efforts is not necessarily separate from personal healing. Many women have found that when they become active in the protective parents movement, raising their voices loudly for the custody rights of mothers who have been battered or whose children have been sexually abused, their own healing leaps forward.

Breaking down personal isolation sometimes goes hand in hand with breaking down political isolation. So I offer suggestions here not only for ways to carry on your own fight, but also for avenues to join forces with other women (and male allies) who are working for social justice, so that protective mothers and their children can stop being torn apart.

I want to express my personal gratitude to you for your efforts to protect your children from abuse, and to raise them into caring, kind, humane values. The whole world benefits when you fight for your children’s rights, and for their freedom.

Protective mothers are some of our society’s most invisible and most important heroes, even while they are treated so often, in a bitter irony, as villains.

FOR THIS ARTICLE AND OTHER GREAT LINKS - CLICK HERE